It Won't Be Like This For Long

So, I've been struggling a bit for the last few days. R has been having some nursing issues, and while I am blessed not to be sleep deprived (twelve hours of sleep with two wake ups consistently, thank you Gary Ezzo), I have been frustrated and taking some measures that I am normally opposed to taking. G has been testing the limits of being an adventurous boy, which results in a lot of screaming by his sister which is immediately followed by his rushing into the room to give me his side of the story and a good bit of time spent mediating (and often doling out punishment). And we've just been busy. I know that probably sounds weird, but we have been. So like I was saying, I've been struggling with enjoying this time and instead focusing on looking forward to the years when my children are all capable of walking, going to the bathroom themselves, and navigating their own differences. Then today there was a moment. I was in the kitchen cleaning the gigantic mess that had grown in there over the last few days, Rogue was sleeping peacefully in her swing, which is a major no-no in the McBean family, and Patton was screaming in the playroom while Gunnar laughed heartily in the background. I closed my eyes and breathed deep. And then, I suppose in showing me that He really can use anyone, Hootie spoke into my life. A Darius Rucker song came on the radio the spoke the moment perfectly..."It Won't Be Like This for Long". It won't. Really. It won't be like this for long. With my eyes still closed, the mechanical sounds of the swing and the screaming and laughing still ringing through the air, I imagined the days that are not very long away...hugging my grown child in an airport as they prepare to board a plane for college, or a mission, or the military...sitting in a pew watching my child become someone's husband or wife...answering the door of my immaculately clean house when my babies bring their babies to visit. Those days are not far away and I know that on each of them I am going to wish for this day...messy house, baby sleeping where she's not supposed to be, feeding my sweet baby in the quiet dark, hours spent reading and cuddling, brother and sister fighting and making up, endless opprotunities to shape the little people I've been entrusted with. It won't be like this for long. Thanks for the reminder Hootie.

Conversations with Gunnar

If I don't write these down now they will be lost forever and that would be a crying shame.

Today Gunnar asked me "Mommy, did you know that one of Jesus' special powers is that he's basketful?" When I asked him what that meant he said "It means he's really good at basketball".

While I was tucking P into bed G, who was supposed to be tucked into his own bed, came frantically running into her room to announce "Mommy, there was a huge jet outside my window". When I asked him how he saw the jet since he was supposed to be in his bed he gave me a furrowed eyebrow and said "I was out of my bed doing my robot dance".

We were having a conversation about animals that it is not safe to go near and G named lions. Then he said "But God will protect us from lions". I was thinking about how to respond and he asked "Only Daniel?". I was thinking for another minute and I could tell that he knew he had stumped me when he said "well, if I ever go near a lion I'll just wear sticky shoes so that I can walk on the roof and get away".

Later, we were having a conversation about some new rules that we will have once the new baby gets here. When I was telling him that "we" don't touch her face he interjected with "and we don't pick her nose"...

Seriously, what a mystery the four year old brain is...

A Humbling Conversation

This morning I was totally wrapped up in some task when my mom brain realized that Gunnar had gotten down from the table without being excused. The following conversation ensued...
Me: Gunnar, get back up to the table and finish your breakfast.
G: How did you know I got down?
Me: Because I'm the mom and I know everything.

Several minutes pass, during which G is dutifully eating his yogurt and watching our neighbors from the diningroom window.

G: Mom, do you know those neighbors? What are their names?
(Even though I don't know ANY of our neighbors, I look out to see exactly which neighbors he is talking about)
Me: No, sweetie, I don't.
G: See, so you don't know everything.

Who is more humbling than a four year old?

Bad Mom Moments

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that all mom's have bad mom moments. My worst bad mom moment is so embarrassing that years later I still haven't shared it with anyone but my husband. Anyway. I feel like deployment makes these moments more frequent and then (in true deployment mom guilt mode) I overanalyze them. Even in the short period of time that John has been gone, I feel like there have been a million bad mom moments. So, what's a mom to do but share her bad mom moments? Here are a few of the ones that I have chalked up in the last two weeks.

• The other night I fell asleep with the t.v. on (sometimes the silence in the night is just too much) and I woke up at about 1 a.m. to find G sitting in my bed intently watching American Pickers. I have no idea how long he was there before I woke up.


• Approximately 5 times have I gotten into the car and put it in gear before G has yelled, at the top of his lungs, "I'M NOT BUCKLED IN". (Note -- I've never driven with him unbuckled, so don't freak out).


• The other day I was vacuuming and there was a dime on the floor. I told G to come pick it up and put it "away" with the money he takes to offering on Sunday. Instead of making sure that he did it, like I normally do, I went back to vacuuming only to have P walk up a few minutes later and say "Mommy, Gunnar gave me some money and I put it in my mouth and now I can't find it". That's right, ladies and gentlemen, she swallowed it.


• When I was doing laundry yesterday I realized that the kids pajamas outnumbered their day clothes 2 to 1. We have to get out more.

There you have it, some of my best and brightest moments.

All About Gunnar

I know that it's hard to believe, but four years ago today I first held my baby boy. Gunnar took four years of fertility treatment, just over $47,000, and a miracle from God to conceive. It's hard to believe that at this point we have had him for just as long as we tried for him.
We could not be more blessed to have him, so todays thankful list is all about Gunnar, so here goes.
When it comes to Gunnar I am thankful...

48. for his capacity for compassion -- G hates to see other people sad and everytime he sees me cry (even happy tears) he sheds a few tears of his and wants to know what he can do to make it better.
49. that his sister is his best friend -- G & P may argue and bicker like all brothers and sisters, but they hate being apart and G revels in making P laugh.
50. for his giving heart -- today G got a birthday card from Aunt Nancy with two $5 bills in it. Immediately, he looked at P and said "look Patton, one for you and one for me, isn't that exciting?".
51. that he is his fathers son -- not only is G a spitting image of John, but he also shares most of his habits and tendencies, which ensures that he will grow up to be an amazing man.
52. for his love for God -- I am often humbled by the way that G loves God and the way that he lives that out.
53. for his sense of humor -- just like his dad, not a day goes by when G doesn't make me laugh until my stomach hurts.
54. that God picked me to be his mom.

About Alaska

I'm pretty sure that so far I have done nothing but sing Alaska's praises. Rightfully so. It's pretty awesome here. But, there are a few things that I really, really, really dislike. Not to give an unbiased review of the place, should any of my friends decide that this is a good time to move to Alaska, here is a quick list of things that stink about the state: 1.Alaska is not technology friendly. This means that your internet is limited, you will likely not get cell service inside your house, and your home phone will sound like you are talking to someone who is on Mars. 2.Alaska is not coupon maniac friendly. This irritates me to no end. 3.Even with WalMart and Fred Meyer, supply and variety are limited. With just about nine weeks left until Baby R makes her appearance, I have yet to find a store that carries the bottles that fit my breastpump. A bit too much information, I'm sure, but it makes me mad and I had to write it. 4.In light of item #3, internet shopping is a must, but be prepared to spend an arm and a leg on shipping. I wanted to order Baby R a car seat from Target. Shipping was $109. No kidding. 5.Customer service stinks. At restaurants. At stores. Even at the tax place. Do not expect fast or friendly service. Ever. In spite of all these things, Alaska is still awesome. If you're reading this, you should move here...

A Lesson

I've said this before and I'll say it again and again -- no matter how many Bible studies I complete, how much time I devote to God in the early morning hours, or how many Sundays I sit in a pew, the biggest faith lessons often come from my kids. Last night was a good example.
On this move, with the expectation of the new baby, G gave up his toddler bed to P, who in turn gave up her crib to R. This left G with what was previously our guest bed -- a queen. So, John being John, last night he taught G how to run and do a somersault onto the bed. While it's fun to have a dad like John that teaches little boys to do things that will inevitably lead to an ER visit, his timing wasn't the best because it was right before bed and it was a bit tough to get G to settle down enough for his bedtime routine. Eventually he got settled down enough to read and pray. When it was his turn to pray he started off normally "Thank you for this day, thank you for this family, thank you for everything"...and then suddenly his eyes popped open and he said "God, watch this", after which he promptly jumped up, ran to the other side of the room and somersaulted onto the bed before calmly sitting back down and saying "and Jesus' people said, Amen".
G was so excited about what he had learned to do that he actively invited God to watch him do it, and then he was confident that God indeed had his eyes on him, giving him His full attention while he demonstrated.
I'm pretty sure there is a lesson for me to learn there...

"And He said "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven" - Matthew 18:3

Short Notice

When John went to Iraq during the initial invasion we got 12 hours notice that he would be leaving. Literally. He called me at work the minute I walked in the door and I dropped him in the gym parking lot at 9 o'clock that night. The American military (some of them our dear friends from the 173rd Airborne, which we had just left four months earlier) had been on the ground in Iraq for less than two weeks, so we had no idea what the communication would be like, much less when John would be back.
When he went to Afghanistan in 2009 we got three weeks notice. We had been at Fort Carson for about six months when John came home one day and told me that he was leaving for Afghanistan within in the month, and truer words had never been spoken. He was gone in three weeks.
As bad as that may sound to be taken by surprise by a deployment, I've come to learn that short notice can be a good thing. In fact, short notice may earn the title of "my new best friend".
When we found out that we were coming to Fort Wainwright last November we implored a friend of ours to make a few phone calls and find out what the deployment scheduled looked like for the units here, so that we would know what were headed into. We found out that a deployment loomed in the April/May timeframe. Six months removed from that deployment I thought "okay, I can deal with that", because really, what other choice do I have? Exactly. None.
So, now here we are, settling in to life in Alaska. A full week into March. Deployment is definitely looming large.
If John were to leave May 1st, he would only have been home for 11 months between deployments. This isn't unheard of in the Army, as many of my friends know and have experienced, but it's not fun. He will miss G's birthday two years in a row, a whole new round of other birthdays and celebrations and milestones. Oh, and the birth of our child. I know that this sounds like I am complaining, but I hope that you will hear my heart and know that I am not complaining about these things that are inherent to CHOOSING the Army life (because let no one lie to you, everyone in the military today has volunteered to serve during a time of war). Really, I am lamenting about the six months that I was given to think about all of those things. The extended period of time that I have been given in which to pretend that everything is normal, when in reality this big pink elephant named Deployment is following me from room to room.
I'm not sure that I like the long notice. Twelve months is long enough to dwell over the possibilities, the damages, the distance. Who needs these extra months?

Here Is What 30 Looks Like

Wow! Did you see that fly by? Yep, there go my 20's. Ten years ago I thought they would never come to an end, and now I'm sort of sad to see them go.

I got a lot done in the last decade, though. In the last ten years I've married the man hand made for me, had two beautiful children, finished two degrees, seen parts of the world that I never thought possible, and made some of the best friends to ever walk God's green Earth. I've been so blessed that I can't even fathom what the next ten years will hold for me, but I'm making some plans. The first of those plans, of course, is to eat the gigantic slice of cake John just put in front of me.

My Kids Are Funny

The other day we were talking about seasons. I asked G what his favorite season was and he said "hunting season".
Later that day P came over, pulled up my shirt and started rubbing my stomach. When I asked her what she was doing she said "I'm just giving Baby Rogue a backrub".
The duo is always refusing to answer to names other than Buzz and Woody for the time being.
Never a dull moment.

Name Praise

It's probably no surprise to hear that we take a lot of flack for our name choices, but today we got the highest compliment ever. G met a new little boy at playgroup. When the boy heard that his name was Gunnar he said "Wow! That's his real name? I wish my name could be Gunnar". It was a good moment for G and Mama.
In other name news, P has named her hairbrush Arnold. I fear for her children.

Twenty-Seven Below

We arrived in Fairbanks during a warm spell. It was 20 degrees the day we got here and settled at around 12 degrees in the following days. The warm spell is over. We woke up this morning to a whopping temperature of -27 degrees. I, for one, had never been in such cold weather before, so I wanted to share a few things that happen when it is -27.

1. The sun comes out. It really has no choice, clouds would insulate and make it warmer, so if it's going to be that cold, it's nice that the sun is shining.
2. Your nose does not run. You can literally feel the mucus freezing in your nose.
3. The McDonald's with the gigantic play place becomes the hopping place to have lunch and you cannot find a parking spot at the movie theatre.
4. Seat heaters are pointless.
5. There is an excessive number of people standing in the foyer of the PX watching your two year old scream "I'm ready to shop".
6. You become excessively worried about the possibility of your children licking something metal.
7. The warning to "dry it up" becomes more of a lifesaving measure than just a discipline tactic.
8. You start to seriously consider the purchase of a snowblower, because I will not be shoveling any snow in this cold and the kids and I would simply end up living in an igloo next winter while John is gone.
9. You wish that you could beam people in just to say "I told you it gets that cold here".
10. You can buy ice cream, leave it in the back of your car for two hours while you shop and the worst thing that will happen is that it will get freezer burn.

I am actually welcoming the cold, clear weather and hoping that it will bring a spectacular view of the Northern Lights this evening. I'll keep you posted.

Oh, Where to Start...

What a crazy few weeks it has been. I don't even know where to start...

I guess we'll start with the boat, and the fact that I hate boats. And carnival rides. And windy roads. And really, anything that has the potential to make me vomit from motion sickness, especially while I'm pregnant, so it was not the greatest experience of my life, but the sights were beautiful -- there are no pictures, taken by me or anyone else, that do justice to Alaska. Gods hand is blantantly evident.

For some reason, and I have no idea why, it never occurred to me how many military families there would be traveling on the ferry. There were tons, so Monday afternoon we all drove off the boat in Haines, AK and started heading north. We ended up being the fourth car in a quasi-convoy headed for the border between AK and BC. We had been on the road for about 20 minutes when there was nearly a 20 car pile up because the guy in the lead slammed on his breaks at the sight of 6 bald eagles sitting in the same tree. I can't recall seeing six bald eagles in my entire life, so to see six of them just hanging out in the most popular tree in Haines was amazing. Things went smoothly until we actually reached the border. 20 car loads of Americans pulling up to the gate at the same time was a little overwhelming for the lone Canadian border patrol guy, so thankfully he was kind enough to call in some backup, though we still ended up waiting an hour (by this point we were about car 10) since every other car or so was carrying either some type of contraband that had to be surrendered or a rifle, which required additional paperwork and $25 American for Her Majesty the Queen to put toward Canadian gun control. Just into BC the scenery is beautiful, but as you get closer to the Yukon you notice a few things starting to change -- 1) the scenery is a little less than pleasant 2) the roads get SUPER crappy and 3) the people just keep getting weirder.
If you know me, you probably know how much I like to use the phrase "this is like the beginning of a scary movie". Never have I used that phrase more than I did while we were driving across the Yukon. The motel where we stayed was super creepy and the place that we ate felt like a scene straight out of Sweeney Todd. If you haven't been to the Yukon, you may think that I am exaggerating, since I am fluent in the hearty language of sarcasm, but trust me -- these are very solemn statements. I was elated to cross the border back into Alaska.
So we crossed the border and stayed in the tiny town of Tok and then drove the last four hours to Fairbanks on the last day of our journey. I had to stifle a laugh because everyone that I had spoken to about Fairbanks had told me that there would be no shopping and nowhere to eat. In the same parking lot as the Holiday Inn where we stayed there was Walmart, Chili's, Barnes and Noble, Sportsmens Warehouse, and (much to my hearts delight) Old Navy, among a number of other giant stores.
At this point we've been at Fort Wainwright for four days and so far we really like it. The scenery just can't be beat, even if you can't see anything until the sun comes up at nine. The post offers ridiculous stuff, like both indoor and outdoor ice skating rinks that each have lessons, an on-post skiing/snowboarding/tubing hill, and the #1 rated golf course in Alaska (though the green is currently under about 5 feet of snow). So far John is happy with his unit, and that is really the most important thing.
One of the most intimidating things for me in this move was housing, especially on the tail end of the horrific experience that we had with Balfour Beatty at Fort Carson, where we literally PCS'd without ever being offered a house (privatized Army housing is one of the biggest DOD failures, just fyi). I had nothing to be worried about. Let me preface this whole next section by saying that I made John call the housing office on the first and the person that answered the phone told him that we were first on the list and that there should be a house ready for us by the end of the month. I was elated, only to call the day before we got here and have a different lady (neither of these ladies was the actual lady that monitors the list we were on, btw) tell him that someone had bumped us and she didn't know when we would have a house. My panic button started to flash a little. The next day we went into the housing office, sat down with the person who actually handles our stuff and found out that there are actually 16 E-6/7 four bedroom homes that have been vacated, gutted, and totally renovated and that we would get the first offer. That afternoon she called John and told him that we could move into an end unit (John's special request) on March 1st. This is Divine timing, because the 28th of this month is the last day that the Army will pay us TLA to stay in Army Lodging, and if we had gone beyond that day then we would have had to find an off-post rental, which we were vehemently dedicated to not doing. I'm going to think of it as a special birthday present from God.
So we're generally settled into a suite at the post hotel, trying to get the kids back on schedule, and seeing what Fort Wainwright has to offer. I'll post some pictures soon.
Oh, and by the way, we're open for visitors after the first week in March.

Reasons Why Chris and Alaska Are Good Friends

1. I don't have to get up early to enjoy the sunrise. Even the sun likes to sleep in here in Alaska.
2. Ugly rubber boots and flannel are in style.
3. I ate Rudolph for breakfast this morning, and he was deeelicious.
4. Your perception of the phrase "small town" really changes driving the Alcan highway. My 3100 person hometown is now a bustling metropolis and you will never be able to convince me otherwise.
5. Being here means no more long days in the car (or, thank God, on a boat).

Wild in Washington

I don't know if anyone knows this, but we are having a wild time in Washington. Bible Outburst and Chuck E. Cheese are just more excitement than most people can handle -- but we're tough, so we're willing to take the challenge.

Washington

There are a million great things about being in Washington. A few of them are trips to the Castle Rock Bakery (where P was enjoying a chocolate donut), park weather in January, and G being able to spend the day at his old preschool. The weather is wonderful -- wet and foggy, just the way I like it. Obviously, the best part of being in Washington is spending time with our family and friends, and as such, it is bittersweet to know that we will be leaving for Alaska in three short days. Don't get me wrong, we are certainly looking forward to four days on the Pacific Ocean, finally getting to Alaska, and eventually getting settled into a new house, but the goodbyes do not get easier with practice...trust an expert.


P.S. The High School that Sky and I are standing in front of is in a very popular movie...bet you can't name it.

It's Only A Day Away

Tomorrow is the big day...we'll all bundle up in our rain gear, pile in the Jeep, and trek down to Portland to find if Baby McBean will come home in a tutu or John Deere overalls. This may not make sense, but I am dreading it as much as I'm looking forward to it. I love being able to know what color to buy, having a name to call the baby, and being able to answer the question "so, what is it?", but there is also something sweet aboout not knowing and trying to imagine the baby as a newborn little boy and ten minutes later imagining a little girl. But, the mystery can't last forever, because sooner rather than later this baby has to be born. So, who wants to place their bet...pink or blue?

C-a-l-i-f-o-r-n-i-a

I spent 72 hours in California.
I had planned the quick trip when we weren't scheduled to get our passports on time to travel through Canada. A quick trip would allow me to get birth certificates for me and the kids and get the details of passports and traveling worked out. Turns out that the passports for all of us showed up about two weeks early and there was really no need for me to go to the Golden (insert sarcasm) State. But, I already had a ticket and it had been awhile since I had a) seen some of my best friends b) had my hair cut and colored and c) breathed smog, so I headed down there. It doesn't take more than about five minutes being off of the plane to realize that California really is like a whole different country. The pretension just seeps out of people.
But as much as I wholeheartedly dislike CA, I love my friends and I was grateful to be able to spend the day with my awesome friends like Nancy, Amy, and Eileen, as well as seeing a bunch of people that I had been missing for a long time. An added bonus is that my head is about 15 pounds lighter and a bit bluer thanks to Eileen!
I flew back into Portland last night, only to hear G said to John "okay, now you're a good daddy because you got my mommy back". It's sweet to be missed.

Another Ode to Portland

Some of the coolest things about Portland...

1. It's so easy to entertain our kids. G could ride the street car all day, it's his favorite thing to do in the city.

2. Portland is famous for its food trucks. If you know John and I then you know how much we love eating at taco trucks, and P-town has trucks from every region of the world...today I had the best Pad Thai ever, it came off a truck.

3. My sister-in-laws work building has a birds nest in it -- a gigantic, human sized birds nest.

Portlandia

It feels great to be back in the Northwest. Family, familiar stores and sights, and Portland make Chris happy. Despite the lack of interesting pictures, Portland is one of my favorite places to be. Close to the top of my list for reasons why is Cupcake Jones, a quaint little shop in the Pearl where I absolutely insisted we stop for dessert last night after dinner at Deschutes Brewery. You just can't beat the cupcakes. Aside from the amazing breweries and cupcakes that the Portland area has to offer, there are so many fun things to do with G & P. Yesterday we took them to the Portland Children's Museum, which I'm pretty sure we enjoyed as much as them. P is completely enthralled with the fairy wings that her dad got her there.

We were also fortunate enough to secure babysitting so that we could have an adult night with Sky and some great friends (Ben is the guy whose head you see in the Jones picture).

Of course, in addition to all of the awesome things about Portland, there are weird things too. Portland is known for their very enthusiastic campers -- campers so dedicated that they camp under the bridges and on street corners. Really, the town is full of weirdos and slackers. The dream of the 90's is alive in Portland -- ask any Portlander.

So, tomorrow we're getting on the street car and seeing where it takes us. It should be a fun day.

Home, Home on the Rez

It's hard to explain to people what the reservation is like. To say that it's rural is the understatement of a lifetime. John honestly grew up outside of the realm of civilization. The other night we ran out of milk and it was an hour round trip to get a gallon. On a typical day on the drive from John's house to either Athena or Pendleton you are likely to see wild horses, eagles, turkeys, deer, elk, and some days even a cougar. For G especially, this is like Disney World. He loves nothing more than driving up the river "hunting", hanging out with his cousins eating the days kill, and getting in quality time with his Papa. Oh, and not far away, there is Hal's Hamburgers -- best fry sauce anywhere.